You know, it's come to my attention that some people just don't understand how many things they can do to look older! For some reason, the magazines and websites don't cover this stuff. I can't imagine why.
The great thing is, most of the time, looking older is just a matter of doing less. That's right - you don't have to add anything at all to your daily routine; in fact, you can save tons of time by devoting yourself to looking older!
1st: smoke. If you want to look older fast, take up smoking. There is nothing like it for delivering fine lines to your face, making your skin inelastic, and setting you up for a chronic cough and a spitting habit that just screams "old person." Not to mention, your chances of developing cardiovascular disease (or cancer) go way up. A stroke or heart attack will do wonders for making you look old.
2nd: don't exercise. Strength training improves your power and balance, so you definitely don't want to do that. And aerobic exercise improves your endurance. You can't look old when you're never huffing and puffing. So drop that gym membership.
3rd: don't fight the sun. Crusty crocodile skin adds twenty or thirty years! So stop using sunscreen, definitely don't use Retin-A, and quit moisturizing, too. You'll look older in no time.
4th: don't drink water. Water is the universal lubricant, it makes everything in your body work better (from your brain to your colon). Being absent-minded and constipated is prime oldster stuff. You'll be cranky, too, because you'll be dehydrated, and you'll probably have lots of aches and pains. Crabby, hunched over, and forgetful? Yep, you're old!
5th: no produce! Fruits and veggies are full of great nutrition, water, and fiber. All that stuff will just make you look and feel younger, so stay away! If you must have a vegetable, make it a fried potato of some kind. Potato chips and french fries are a common denominator across populations of overweight, unhealthy people - so supersize that order, and don't you dare sit down to watch TV without a bag of chips.
6th: More TV! Speaking of television, watching a couple hours of primetime every night just isn't enough. If you really want to look older, watch a couple of hours in the morning, a couple of hours in the afternoon, and then settle in for a full night. Don't forget to stay up to watch the late show. Poor sleep is a terrific way to look older fast - overnight, in fact. And make sure to watch programs that piss you off. Getting stressed out is a guaranteed aging accelerator.
7th: eat lots of sugar. Sugar causes inflammation, which means cardiovascular disease, headaches, asthma, arthritis, and lots of other great stuff. And believe it or not, this shows up on the outside too! In order to look really old, you want to be using a walker by the time you're seventy - so make sure you have a processed cereal for breakfast, some cookies with your morning coffee break, plenty of sweetened drinks, and never skip dessert.
There, that ought to do it. Be sure and let me know if any of these habits makes you look older - or if you've got one I missed! We love to hear from our readers out here in blogville.